(This post submitted by Megan Wyatt, faculty member and trainer of www.Practimate.com, for the upcoming pre-marital training program for single Muslimahs, called "Find Your Mr. Right." )


Is it possible for a strong and educated Muslimah to have less of a chance of receiving a proposal from a practicing brother for marriage?

That was pretty much the question I received in an email from a sister, after my recent webinar with Sh. Yaser Birjas called 3 Critical Mistakes A Muslimah Makes When Finding Her Mr. Right For Marriage.

She told me she was enjoying the webinar until Sh. Yaser started listing certain qualities that would lead a practicing brother to not want to propose to a sister for marriage.

She was disillusioned because it seemed all the descriptions Sh. Yaser was saying NOT to use, because it would scare away Mr. Right,  seemed to be the way she was describing herself and therefore felt she had no chance with a practicing Muslim man.

Being strong and resourceful as a Muslimah was never meant to be a roadblock to marriage, in fact it could be an asset for your marital life. But what could be a roadblock is using descriptions that make you look and sound like you are applying for a job, and not to be a wife.

In personal productivity there is a law called the Pareto Principle. The Pareto Principle holds that 80% of the results you want depend on 20% of the actions you take. It was named after an Italian economist, Vilfredo Pareto who noticed that 80% of the land in Italy was owned by the wealthiest 20% of the population.

Similarly, in finding your Mr. Right there are some 20% actions you can do to take that amount to that 80% outcome. One of those 20% actions is developing the skill of knowing how to speak the language of Mr. Right.

Speaking his language does not mean that you have to learn how to speak English with an American accent if you are interested in marrying an American brother or a British accent if you are interested in marrying a British brother.

Speak his language does not mean that you lie or describe yourself in a way that is deceptive and dishonest.

What it comes down to is knowing how to describe your unique qualities that Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, has blessed you with in a way that if Mr. Right were to hear them, it would alert him that this is the kind of sister he has been looking for.

The fact of the matter is that both men and women are taking more of an active role in searching for a spouse. Which means, that you may need to learn how to represent your own self to some degree - who you are, and what you want in a husband. (Not to mention training your friends and family to do the same!)

So you need to think: How can I describe myself in a way that is truthful, and also tells him about me in a way that interests HIM!!

Let me share an example of a sister's description I found on a Muslim matrimonial website: 

    I'm currently pursuing a master's degree. My hobbies include: spending time with family and friends, taking road trips or traveling the world. I love music and cooking ethnic cuisine!!I come from a very loving, understanding, and supportive family.

What was your gut reaction reading it? Did it sound a little...UNORIGINAL? Everyone likes to travel, shop, go to the cinema, eat, and everyone says they are nice and caring person. 

I read sister's "about me" descriptions over and over again, and not ONE of them said much that would be interesting to a practicing Muslim brother.

    It is important to start thinking about the qualities that you want to highlight that matter to HIM. Not what makes you fall in love with your own self!

Here is a reflection sent in to me by a sister who attended that first webinar:

"I realized that the way I've been describing myself and the way I answer and pose questions to potentials has not been in the best way. I've only been thinking about myself and what I want. It did not occur to me to think about what he would want and if I even show that I have it.

I describe things in a way that I think sounds impressive to me, but obviously being a woman its not necessarily going to be the same things a brother would see as impressive.

You really hit the nail on the head when you said that some of us end up presenting ourselves as good muslimahs in the deen, but don't present ourselves as potential 'good wives'. We leave that bit out thinking its enough that we are practicing muslimahs.  I wish I knew this before! "

So what can you do to take action now to get closer to your goal of marriage, bithnillah?

ACTION ITEMS:

1) Write down 3-5 sentences about yourself. Re-read those sentences, and ask yourself this question "What's in it for him?"

2) Re-write the same description again, but this time, see if you can adjust it to be meaningful to a Muslim man, from his perspective. (This is probably a new concept for you, so it's O.K. to not know exactly how to do this! Just begin adjusting the way you think about this concept)

3) Register NOW for my next free webinar from Practimate for more valuable resources. www.practimate.com